The Hitler's Of My NITC Life

I was talking to one of my college junior's Annie today, and somehow the topic of our college's "Hitler" professors came up. I'm going to take this opportunity to list out a few, who according to me screwed my happiness big time back during those days, in their order of appearance in my life!


Sara Lisa David
My chemistry professor in my first year. And boy was she a bitch! The only two things she was very fond off was - flunking me in all my chemistry sessionals, and two - getting knocked up. In my 4 yrs there at college - I remember she got knocked up twice! The remaining two years - well, she was in the process of getting knocked up!

What I find ironic now is, she was the LH warden, and as a result - was responsible for moral policing in campus and was a pain-in-the-ass for all those "couples" who wanted to get "naughty". Oxymoron anyone???


Vijayan Nair
Our mechanics professor in my first year. The poor guy is no longer with us. But, he had it coming to him - being the chain smoker and big time drinker he was - I'm sure he saw it too! This fellow, although he flunked me in a few of my sessional papers - unlike Sara Lisa - he never did it cause he was having mood swings. He flunked me cause I sucked at mechanics! :D
And how can I ever forget those lovely "Simple Mechanics" sessions where he demonstrated simple mechanisms in class [ I still remember the whole thing in vivid detail - him standing on the dias and looking at the only girl student in our class and goes like "Ritu! (Zip .... Unzip ... Zip ... Unzip ... Zip ... Unzip) Now this is what is called simple mechanisms! He He He He He! ] and all those rumours of similar stories/quotes from our senior batches!
[ My two favorites being "Makkallae ... Eee poorr innu parayunna saadhannamm kaanann atthraekku bhanggi onnumm illa!" and the one being "I once caught my daughter watching a porn movie with a banana in her hand ... I wonder what she was doing! (wink) ]

On the whole, I never disliked the guy. but I was not excesively fond of him either. But, yes, I do confess - I was shit scared of him!


Gulaam Jilani
A total cartoon character. Famous for being the one professor who had a 90% for his BTech. And he always kept telling us about that too!
But, it's only when we got to my 3rd year that I heard the actual story. That his 4 year BTech course took him in 9 years to complete - cause he would walk out of the exam hall each time he saw that the question paper was tough and that he couldn't score more than 90% in it!
Duh! If I had that luxury - I'd score 100% dumbass !!!

I had to bear with him for 2 semesters, S1 and S6. In S1 - he took computer programming. Needless to say, he didn't know crap of what he was teaching. Couple that with his totally cartoony way of taking class - and all I used to go to class for was a laughs. It was, to say the least, like one of the Jeff Dunham shows! But, thankfully, since I was very interested in Computer Programming at that time, I managed to learn it by myself (with some help ofcourse from the Pro's in Comp Sci) and was able to score reasonably well in it!

In S6 - he too some course related heat flows (I cant remember the exact name of the course though) I thought I did extremely well in the end exams (btw - I got good scores in my sessionals for that paper), but when the results came, I was pretty much a border pass. When I asked him about the same, he said - you're answers must've been wrong - and that's why.
I confess, all my liking for this relatively harmless fellow, ended there!


Jose Kaakasery
In my 8 semesters at college - this is the one jerk of a professor I have to use the word HATE to describe my emotions for him. He was one sick Son Of A Bitch to say the least. I mean like seriously ... Lighting strikes down coconut trees all the time - Why doesn't it strike this fellow ... Atleast it should burn his goddamn beard down!
(Btw - I've always had a big desire to burn his god-awfully-white beard ... One of these days when I go back to college, I might even do that! Kaakasery ... Patti ... nee sookshicho da ... nindae thaadi'ku njann thee vekkumm edda !!!)

Anyways ... Why do I hate him? Well - plenty actually. First of all - he was a pain in the ass professor, who had this rule of taking attendance as soon as he came to class, and for anyone who came to class after that - one: there wouldnt be any attendance, and two: he'd screw their happiness royally not just for the rest of the class, but for the rest of the semester. Unfortunately, for me i.e., I missed 5 of his classes in a sem (I have a problem getting up early, and most of this creeps classes were the first session of the day!) and when I spoke to him abt it - cause I didnt want to run into attendance shortage issues - he said, I dont care if you get dropped out of college for attendance shortage issues - but if you were absent - you were absent and you deserve it!
You need to understand - that bunking classes was second nature to me, and obviously, attendance shortage, being its close cousin - would follow. But, thanks to my happy-go-lucky nature and that the fact that most of the professors in my department were cool, everyone would give me the requisite 80% attendance so that I could write my end sem exams. Except ofcourse for this sick son of a bitch!
Anyways ... The story doesn't end there. When he asked me why I used to be late, I told him "Sir, I sleep very late and because of that, I find it very difficult to get up early. And even when I do, I find it difficult to keep myself awake, and I don't think it wouldn't be right for me to be all sleepy and drowsy in your class. And since you're session is the 1st hour on most days, I struggle to make it there!"
(And mind you, even though I found it difficult to wake up early in the morning to attend the first lecture - whenever I knew it was this creeps class at 8.00 am the next day, I would do everything possible to make it there on time. But, yeah - I still did end up missing a few of them ... Mind you - only a HANDFUL that too. And for that - he was screwing my happiness)
And guess what this jerk interpreted my confession as (I know this cause he told me this a couple of months down the road, which I'll talk about in a sec) - "You're class is too darn boring old man! I'd rather sleep at home than come to ur class and sleep, and that's why I prefer to bunk your class!"
I mean - how stupid can you be. If you don't understand english - go take a frigging course!

Anyways ... Why am I so darn aggravated. Let me explain ... Because of his interpretation above, he was obviously pissed. Thanks to that - whenever I was in class - he would screw my happiness. But, I was okay with that - cause he screwed a lot of other people's happiness too (I wonder what all those people must have harmlessly confessed about which this fool misinterpreted!)
But the kicker was - when the end sem results came, he had flunked me in his paper by just 1 mark. I personally went to meet him to plead him to give me that 1 mark so that I can clear that exam. It is at that time, he told "Remember you told me this 3 months back ... Well ... Orru teacher innoddu angannae paranjaall - paper dhae ingannae irrikkum!" (I will never ever forget those words in my life ... EVER!)
And I spent the next 30 mins trying to tell him, "Sir! I never meant anything like that ... You read it all wrong ... This is what I meant in reality ... etc ... etc ... etc!"
All that said, he didnt budge from his decision and said "Itthu thanniku orru paadamm aayirikattae!" (Another set of words that I will never ever forget!)
Sick motherfucking egoistic bastard!

Anyways ... How did I resolve this dilemma. When the time came to write my supple papers (arrears/back - whatever lingo you wanna call it) - I personally went to his house a couple of days before the exam and apologized to him for my behavior so far, and confessed that I've been a jerk and that he was right in what he said, and that he was a father figure to me and I hoped more people were like him and had helped me in my life in realizing that I was following a wrong path, and if they did I wouldnt be where I was now, I would've changed for the better sooner and I completely agreed that the college was filled with goons and jerks and morally degraded guys who only wanted to get into ladies pants and didnt respect their professors and didnt stand up and salute them each time they saw one and that they should be shot for that, and that they were surely going to hell for all this bad western influence ...
Yeah ... I know what you're thinking ... I did a whole lot of shitty drama !!!
But, hey, it worked out well. That exam - when the results came out (he was the one who evaluated it!) I got 86/100.
After that incident, thankfully, I never had to attend his classes - as we didnt have any more papers taken by that prick!
And to this day - I hate him for that unfair thing he did to me ...


Ramaraju
He was this relatively harmless professor, who sometimes got all irritating and vengeful. But, another one of those "if-you-know-how-to-handle-him-your-safe" kindda professors. My technique for success with this fellow - act stupid, listen to his boring gyaan sessions on life and culture and religion and nod to everything he says, keep listening to his jibes about how stupid I was and smile along with him whenever he does that - and I was all safe and sound!
(In other words - he would pass me in his exams, and honestly, that's all I ever cared about when I was in college ... Passing in my exams with a 60% + score so that I got a good job in some company somewhere ... As simple as that!)

I still remember this funny incident where he was conducting viva, and the first question he would ask you was "which city are you from?" and this would be followed up with "what does your dad do?" only after which he would ask you the viva questions.
In my case "Cochin" was the answer to the first one, and since Cochin was a relatively posh city (definitely the poshest and most expensive city in Kerala) he would assume you are from a well to do family, and therefore that you are a spoilt brat that needs to be punished. This is why the second question "what does your dad do?" which is to kindda ascertain for sure that you deserve the butchering you are going to get in a second.
Ofcourse, I didn't realize that. when he asked me what my dad did - I said "business man" and ofcourse that kindda did it for me. He raped me royally for the next 15 mins - during which my only answers were "Sir ... something easier than this sir ... please ... " to which he would snicker and laugh and throw insults/jibes at me ... But - again - my mantra (act stupid ... keep smiling ... play along!) helped me secure passing grades in the viva too. So, I don't hate him.

Another one of my batchmates, Sam CP, kindda figured why Ramaraju was asking the "where are you from" and "what does your dad do" question and decided to try another trick. He went in and answered "Cochin" to the first one. Ofcourse, Ramaraju was like "Another Cochi'ite ... I'm going to butcher this one too!" ... But, to the next question - "what does your father do?" - Sam tactfully said, "Sir, Watchman sir!" ... Ramaraju was taken off guard here. I mean - no one expects a watchman's kid to be able to afford my college fees, leave alone make it to an NITC, and that too live in Cochin! And as luck would have it - he asks Sam "Oh ... Who else is there in your family?" Sam decides to push the envelope and says "Sir ... 3 sisters and me! I'm the youngest ... And my father is dying trying to get them married off ... I am the pillar of support for the family ... and once I get a job - hopefully I will be able to get them married off!" and that's it ... Ramaraju couldn't take it anymore. He said "You take care Sam ... Study hard ... Everything will turn out well son!" and with a pat on his shoulder - he asked him to send the next guy standing outside in ... Sam was like "Sir, Viva?" ... And Ramaraju was like "You don't worry about it Sam ... You have better things to think about! I'll make sure you get good grades in my paper!"
With this - Sam's viva was over ... And if I remember right - he had pretty much the highest score in the Viva that was conducted.
Sam CP you sly bastard ... Hats off to you!
:)

(Now, when I think back, I wish I had told him my dad was a farmer or something ... I could've used those extra marks you know!)
:D


TS John
One nutcase professor, who became an overnight hit amongst students not because of his knowledge or prowess, but apparently for his lack of them. And did I mention that he has some very famous memorabilia worthy punchline dialogues too. I'm taking the liberty of listing out a few really cool ones:

.1. (Very angry at the class for being all talkative and noisy during one of his lecture) "What the hell ... I am TS John!"
.2. (In a lecture about 3-D spacial design) "Imagine a plane" ... (pauses for a sec) The whole class is now imagining XYZ plane ... "An aeroplane!" (he he he he)
[Whole class breaks out in laughter ... TS John thinking - ha ha ha ha ... I'm so funny ... Rest of the class thinking - ha ha ha ha ... This fellow just confirmed that he is indeed super darn stupid! What a numbskull looser!]


Kaala Prabhakaran Nair
Our Mechanics department HOD. I never had to take any of his classes, but the couple of times I met him - he came across as a sinister, cold, mean, and sarcastic jerk. But, hey, for all you know he was one too [ Atleast thats what 50% of my batchmates who took elective papers which were taken by him say. The remaining 50% said worse stuff - that is unfit for this blog! :D ]

But, like I said, my interactions with him were very limited, and so, I dont have any bones to pick with him.



Hostel Office Manager
I cant even remember his name. But he was this short, ugly, balding guy with bad teeth who had a seriously huge ego, touchy pride.
Easily one of the most corrupt guys on campus (how else can you explain all the teakwood trees going missing from campus and also the mangoes and coconuts mysteriously disappearing every month)
But, yeah, if you knew how to handle him, it was easy to be in his good books - and trust me when I say that it helped a lot if you weren't in the his path.
As the old saying goes - "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than to be in his path!"




Besides these people - I can't think off anyone else I had issues with during my college life.


Another one of these days, I'll write about all those sweetheart like professors who made my college life something to remember and smile about. All I can say right now about them is - "You guys rock! Thanks for everything!"